A friend of mine recently reposted this bombshell TIME psychology article, "Self-Silencing is Making Women Sick" by Maytal Eyal. 

The facts in this article are a prime example of why women's self-advocacy matters so much--particularly in intimate relationships. 

A few shocking/not shocking facts directly quoted from Eyal's article:

• women account for almost 80% of autoimmune disease cases. They are at a higher risk of suffering from chronic pain, insomnia, fibromyalgia, long COVID, irritable bowel syndrome, and migraines, and are twice as likely as men to die after a heart attack.
• Women experience depression, anxiety, and PTSD at twice the rate of men, and face a ninefold higher prevalence of anorexia, the deadliest mental health disorder."
• women of color who strongly agreed with statements like “I rarely express my anger to those close to me,” were 70% more likely to experience increased carotid atherosclerosis, a cardiovascular plaque associated with higher risk of heart attack.
• Other studies have connected self-silencing to irritable bowel syndrome, HIV, chronic fatigue syndrome, and cancer among women.
• women who didn’t express themselves when they had fights with their spouses were four times more likely to die [prematurely] than those who did.

The pressures in a patriarchal society for women to self-silence and self-abandon are dangerously consequential. Though self-advocacy is difficult and often uncomfortable, the cost of not speaking up is far worse. The research confirms: women's self-silencing is killing us slowly.

Self-advocacy is a rebellious move that counters a lifetime of training. Gender roles are encoded and enforced at a young age. We learn misogyny every time we a punished for stepping outside of what men in the dominant culture decide is a "girl's/women's role." We are rewarded for authoritarian obedience and swallowing our truth.

As a result, we hold tension and dis-ease in our body. And our bodies are screaming to be heard.

I've asked clients what was going on in their life around the time they developed major chronic mental and physical health issues. Women often share experiences of interpersonal trauma, abuse, staying in toxic relationships/jobs, boundary violations, feeling trapped, suppressing their voice, and a debilitating fear of disappointing or upsetting others. 

We need to stop. We need to rest. We need to listen to our inner wisdom--and we need to do it sooner rather than later. If we don't choose to nurture our relational health out of our own accord, our bodies have an incredible way of forcing us to. Sickness and debilitating anxiety may act as a drastic alarm bell to raise our awareness and push us to take real action. It's actually an understandable, beautiful, intelligent bodily response to protect ourselves.

It's our own inner protest--picketing our own choices that are causing us harm. 

Make no mistake, even the sharpest, savviest, kickass leading women need support. Women who take up space as powerful activists, intellectuals, career climbers, prophets, influencers, strategic critical thinkers, and the strongest, seemingly "put together," "go-to," and "get-it-done" women... can and do play small. It's often in their intimate relationships that they shrink the most. 

This is one of many reasons why I founded Sex & Relationship Self-Advocacy.

Social and self-advocacy are the antidotes to the various urgent women's health and global human rights emergencies we face today. We need to change--our society as a whole, but also ourselves.

What we are willing to tolerate at the micro scale, in our personal lives, has a ripple effect to macro scale of larger political and social systems. We need to take back our power at every scale. 

If these words resonate with you and you are ready to break a pattern of "people-pleasing," I'm here to help move you towards more truth, authenticity, boundaries, and peace. 

I help equity-minded women to stop abandoning themselves and build skills to self-advocate in their intimate lives. Because what you want matters.

Learn more about SARSA coaching and take the first step by contacting me​ to book a free consult call!

​Interested in issues related to relationship equity, sex and sexuality, intimate justice, communication, boundaries, etc.?

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I offer virtual services (classes, coaching, and couples assessments) so regardless of the location you are reading this from, this survey will help me better serve YOU!

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Beyond people signing up for Sex & Relationship Self-Advocacy classes or coaching, being present for events like this always fills me and reignites my passion to support people to live authentically.

I was blown away (not only from the intense wind) by such a kind, warm, and fun crowd at a rural Pride event in Alexandria, Minnesota!

Maybe I met you there? If so, thanks for stopping by. I loved hearing your stories and connecting with you :)

I did hear a lot of experiences of trauma, shame, fear, and abuse. ​I also hear stories of people who, against all odds, move forward with tremendous courage and grit. There was a lot of joy, great conversation, connection, and community.
​
We all are capable of living unapologetically and without shrinking. I want that for all of the women I know, in whatever unique way that looks like for them. It is such a privilege to witness!

For over 12 years, I've witnessed people rise through trauma, reclaim their sexuality, and build extraordinary relationships.

I've sat with thousands of women – through their hardest moments and biggest triumphs. I've seen the power of reclaiming your voice, your body, and your relationships. 

The feminist movement taught us the personal is political. The time could not be more urgent for women to step into their power. 

In a world that tells women that our lives are trivial and matter less, our ​self-advocacy is revolutionary. ​

During Women's Herstory Month, I'm excited to launch one-to-one coaching and classes on Sex & Relationship Self-Advocacy (SARSA) to equip you with the tools to be your own strongest advocate and confidently navigate your relationships and sex life!

Ready to step into your power? Ready to advocate for YOU? 

Sign up HERE to stay connected via email for SARSA updates, opportunities, events, and classes! 

More details about SARSA coaching and classes HERE!

A statement I wrote for our campus program below (the Center's name has been removed): ​

Feminist analysis of patriarchal violence[1] recognizes violence as a functional tool of oppression (e.g., a dominant group forces submission of a subordinate group, particularly through an illusion of consent or when non-obvious coercive routes are exhausted).

Sexual violence, and all forms of gender and power-based abuse, are forms of political and social oppression that are not the result of an individual survivor’s choices, ontology, identity, vulnerability, character, or reputation.

[The Center] uses, and is not opposed to, risk-reduction[2] as a general concept, idea, or strategy. The [Center] does employ some risk and harm-reduction strategies (e.g., education on egalitarian/ethical relationships and sexual consent and communication). However, many common risk-reduction strategies perpetuate oppressive belief systems rooted in sexism, heterosexism, colonialism, white supremacy, neoliberalism, etc. Many common risk-reduction tactics and “safety tips” directed at systematically subordinated groups are only marginally applicable in more rare, stranger-perpetrated sexual assault cases.

These tactics often perpetuate inaccurate, sensationalized, and narrow stereotypes of sexual violence that do not capture the broad scope of the issue. Most sexual violence is committed by a person the victim knows and trusts (dates, partners, spouses, friends, co-workers, classmates), as well as authority figures, people of high status, and “helping” professionals in which the public often trusts (clergy, police and criminal/legal professionals, mental health professionals, educational professionals, coaches, supervisors, medical providers, politicians, military, celebrities, etc.)

The [Center] is committed to working within our community to change the institutions, systems, and broader culture and politics that normalize violence. We want to invest in ending the harm, not change or constrain the liberty, movement, and behavior of survivors/the people harmed by those systems. We focus our efforts on primary prevention—this means uprooting systems of oppression, stopping violence before it starts, preventing perpetration, and building long-term solutions that address the fundamental causes of violence. In order to eradicate violence, violence must be confronted at every scale (interpersonal, familial/household, community, institutional, systemic, state, and global) and not remain isolated to only the interpersonal.

Our vision is not only to abolish patriarchal violence and rape culture, but to make patriarchal violence unimaginable. This also means we work to shift power in a concrete and material way, end dehumanization and sexual entitlement, and resist the belief systems that view human beings as objects to be possessed, commodified, and controlled (the ideological foundations that precede violence).

At the [Center], we do not believe behavior-change on behalf of individuals will ultimately stop or prevent violence, because abuse and violence are always a choice by the person/group who cause the harm, not the responsibility of the person/people victimized by it.

There is no guaranteed way to “protect” oneself against relationship violence, stalking, sexual harassment, exploitation, and/or trafficking. While there are no perfect victims, a person can do everything considered “right/cautious,” take every “safety precaution,” or implement every “risk-reduction” strategy, and still be violated and abused.

A victim/survivor’s choices or character are irrelevant to an abuser’s choice to abuse (e.g., dress, drinking, flirting, who they hang out with, sexual decisions, “risky/dangerous situations/environments,” how they respond/resist sexism and violence, reporting decisions, or levels of personal vulnerability, assertiveness, self-esteem, and/or confidence). Vulnerability is not inherent to an individual but is intentionally created by systems of oppression and dominant groups to subordinate, marginalize, and target particular groups.

Violence/abuse perpetrated against a person is never, regardless of the context, the fault or responsibility of the person victimized. Perpetrators are motivated to perpetrate for many reasons independent of the person they abuse. In addition, promoting individual changes to a potential victim’s behavior does not mean the abuser won’t abuse, it may mean the abuser abuses regardless, and/or they may choose to target a different person to abuse. Either way, the abuser usually continues abusing as they are socially rewarded and not held accountable.

While our center works to educate and raise consciousness on ethical relationships and sexuality, education alone is not enough to protect someone from abuse, because they do not hold systemic power and are not in control of the abuse. For example, educating people of color on racism (what racism is, how to identify it, etc.) will not stop systemic racism. Educating disabled folks on ableism or queer folks on homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism will not end it. Likewise, a victim/survivor’s knowledge and ability to identify abuse does not mean the victim, on their own, can prevent it or has the power to stop it.

Victim-blaming messages directed at subordinated groups are used to distract the public from challenging the oppressive behavior of dominant groups. Cis women, femmes, people who experience/d feminine socialization, and other marginalized groups often internalize and have been lectured their whole lives to modify their behavior, dress, etc. to appease or de-escalate cis men and other dominant groups. [Our Center] is committed to not perpetuating these messages. This statement was written for accountability purposes and to share our [Center's] analysis of violence as an informational and educational tool. If you see our [Center] share any type of messaging through social media, presentations, awareness campaigns, advocacy, support services, etc. that conflicts with the analysis above in this statement, please contact [us] immediately. Your feedback and accountability is critical to us.
 
Sincerely,
 
Rebecca Kotz


[1] “Patriarchal Violence (PV) is an interconnected system of institutions, practices, policies, beliefs, and behaviors that harm, undervalues, and terrorize girls, women, femme, intersex, gender non-conforming, LGBTQ, and other gender-oppressed people in our communities. PV is a widespread, normalized epidemic based on the domination, control, and colonizing of bodies, genders, and sexualities, happening in every community globally. PV is a global power structure and manifests on the systemic, institutional, interpersonal, and internalized level. It is rooted in interlocking systems of oppression.” – Black Feminist Future
[2] Examples of common sexual assault risk-reduction (primarily with strangers) strategies: carrying pepper spray or weapons, “buddy systems,” not drinking, pouring your own drinks, not leaving drinks unattended, not going anywhere alone, not wearing clothing perceived by men as “sexy”, self-defense classes, carrying your keys in your hand, not wearing headphones/talking on a cell phone, avoiding elevators and stairs, avoiding poorly-lit areas, remaining alert/vigilant, etc. Though these tactics or behavior changes can create a feeling of safety, they ultimately will not prevent sexual violence.